


Only in the dark, do we see the stars

by HelgaHeason



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Blood and Gore, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Soft Sam, check notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:34:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25032523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelgaHeason/pseuds/HelgaHeason
Summary: Bucky is still haunted by his years as the Winter Soldier - and one perfectly still night, the memories flood back.Thank god he's got Sam.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 27





	Only in the dark, do we see the stars

**Author's Note:**

> This fic explores parts of what happened during Bucky's years as the Winter Soldier, with some detail, but not for very long.
> 
> Please be aware there are mentions of blood and death, one reference to suicide near the end, and a few mentions of torture and manipulation. They are all over with very quickly, but please be careful.
> 
> The end is very cute, though (or at least I think so)!

A small, sad smile plays on his face when he remembers. A couple of rowdy teens in Volgograd; a shopkeep in Moscow; a Turkish salon owner in St Petersburg; Tony Stark’s parents. He could remember them all like they had happened yesterday, blood slipping through his fingers, bones cracking and hearts breaking. The screams rang out in the dead of night, a stab in the dark and a cry for help. They rattle through his skull, his own heart thudding violently against his chest, still alive, strong and disorientated. He cracks another sad smile, exhaling a little, eyes darting around the room, fear creeping back up on him. He’s alone here, like he was back in Russia, but he’s not brainwashed anymore. He’s free, and he’s terrified. He doesn’t quite remember why Stark forgave him, he questions why Steve fought so hard to prevent him being held captive in the Raft, he doesn’t know why Sam kept hugging him so tightly during those years in the Soul Realm. For all he knows, he’s a ticking time bomb. The code is still inside him, burned forever into his memory, scorching and blazing against an already cracked desert; parched from the torture that preceded the fall.

_Before the rise, must come the fall._

He plays with his fingers, fiddles with them. He picks at his nails, plucking at the hangnails on his human arm, and glides that hand over the smooth interlocking surfaces of his metal arm. It’s no longer the one from Russia, emblazoned with the Soviet star. This arm no longer denotes a hunter; a killer; a superhuman weapon who killed in cold blood. This one is bright and alive, interwoven with gold and made of burnished bronze and dark onyx vibranium, given to him by the consorts to the King in Wakanda. He can’t thank them enough, he can’t express how grateful he is for their mere acceptance of who he is. He knows he must scare them, but the fact they face him head-on and don’t dare to look away is what he thinks of as their extreme, beautiful bravery. Perhaps they don’t think of him as a dead man walking, as a broken soldier fighting a long-forgotten war.

_He sees you, for all that you are. And he isn’t afraid in the slightest. There’s nothing to be afraid of._

And then, of course, there’s Sam. Steve was brilliant, his best friend in every way, the only person who came back for him before the fall. None of the Howling Commandoes did; they presumed him dead. And in a way, he was. He had already started his dark transformation into the murderous ghost - but Steve went back for him anyway, because that was just how scarily _good_ he was. Sam is different, though. Cocky and snarky; built to last. Steve’s own righteousness was his very same undoing. Sam doesn’t have that. He has loyalty in spades, yes, and he’s also pretty righteous - Bucky supposes you have to be to be Captain America - but he readily admits when something, or someone, isn’t right or feels off. Sam had seen him at his worst. Sam had nearly been killed by him. He had seen him become the **soldat** again, programmed to kill anyone who stood in his way. Sam had seen this all happen, had stared him dead in the eyes, and told him he trusted him. What kind of a person did that? A good person, Bucky supposes, and also a slightly crazy one.

_Weird, how… I trust you. And, startlingly enough, I’m OK with that._

Bucky looks down, to his left, where Sam is asleep on the small hotel bed, snoozing softly and with his hands gently curled up by his face. He’s strangely beautiful in this state; peaceful and serene without the weight of the title of “Captain America” pulling him down. He’s beautiful all the time, of course, his acceptance of anything and everything and charmingly cocky attitude are just some of his strong points, but even more so like this, soft and gentle. Bucky knows he’s been extortionately lucky to have even met Sam, let alone gotten to know him and trained him to become the new Captain America, and he feels a sudden chill in his veins at the thought of hurting him. He almost leaves, but can’t bring himself to get up, his muscles tired from his rigid sitting posture, his brain exhausted from thinking so hard. Steve was his first love, shy, unspoken and dangerously close to being discovered - but Sam is the love that Bucky so desperately wants to last. He can’t fathom willingly leaving the falcon, and he just hopes the falcon can’t fathom leaving him, too. Even if only platonically, that’s more than enough for him.

“Don’t worry, old man. I’m not going anywhere.”

Sam’s voice is quiet, deep and still half-asleep, but the smile on Bucky’s face is worth it, shining and bright in the twilight moon’s half-light. Before Bucky even has a chance to register what’s happening, he’s being hugged with enough force to knock all the air out of his lungs (if he’d let it), and through the immense amount of fear and memories having hit him like a freight train, he knows he is exactly where he was always meant to be. Bucky hugs Sam back, smiling into his shoulders, and nearly cries. Sam always quotes one of the “old classics” of the outrageously unrealistic dinosaur films, saying that “life finds a way”. There, in Sam’s unafraid, unassuming arms, Bucky knows he’s right. After several decades of bloody, mindless murders, and a decade of self-hatred so strong that even Tony began to be visibly concerned about his well-being, his life found a way. It isn’t perfect all the time, but in these moments here and there, Bucky thinks he finally knows what happiness feels like again - and he thinks he knows, finally, what it truly means to be alive.

_I think the greatest gift life can ever give you is redemption._

**Author's Note:**

> Soldat = soldier.  
> (It comes from "Soldat, ready to comply.")
> 
> I really hope we get to see something like this in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. I think it would help Bucky's character growth and to help him move on.
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I’m on Twitter and I take fic commissions, DM me here:  
> [Helga Heason](https://twitter.com/HelgaHeason)
> 
> Help support my work by buying me a coffee here:  
> [Helga Heason Ko-Fi](https://ko-fi.com/helgaheason)


End file.
